This will come as a surprise to anyone that knows me. After much thought and careful introspection I have now realized something about myself.
I'm an addict.
This morning was so difficult. I couldn't get myself out of bed. My stomach felt all messed up. I just wanted to go back to bed and sleep.
Lethargic and feeling like I was going to puke I gathered my things together. I had a responsibility ahead of me that I wish I could have handed off to someone else. But I had to keep the facade going.
It would be okay. It was only a 90 minute spin session.
I could tell people what to do and for how long. I could hide under the mask of being the leader. No one would know how hard I was working because I knew they would be distracted by their own suffering.
I've had this feeling before. So tired from the days prior. It reminded me of the Sunday mornings at Triple T when 70.3 miles lie ahead of me.
I hate feeling this way, but I still find myself in this position.
We made it up to Coca Crossfit and started getting our bikes set up.
Slowly the people started to arrive and bring their gear into the gym. The smiling faces and warm good mornings started to wake me up. Three new faces to the group seemed to lift my spirits.
Okay, I can do this. I have the workout in front of me. It was time to do some work.
Once I started spinning the pedals and listening to the music, the bloated feeling in my stomach started to go away.
90 minutes.....I can do this.
I counted down the reps and seconds. Told people to gear up/gear down and stay strong.
I seemed to be saying the words for my own benefit as well. It would have been easy to hide.
.....NOT push as hard.
.....NOT add that extra gear.
.....NOT push my cadence beyond 100RPM.
But there I was feeling the burn in my legs and watching the sweat roll down my arms and drip off my hands to the floor.
Standing next to my bike when it was finally over I realized what my problem was.
I am an addict.
Addicted to the running, swimming, cycling, Crossfit, and anything else I might be able to fit in.
I need this to feel normal. It is my drug. It is so much a part of my lifestyle I am lost without it and occasionally I don't feel right until I get my fix. And 90 minutes is one hell of a fix.
I guess I am fortunate that Aimee and many of my friends are willing enablers in my addiction. They make it fun and worthwhile.